Sunday, December 2, 2012

Day Five of Seven

I love Sunday's.

I love being with people who love Jesus. 

I love our Pastor and hearing what the Lord has spoke over  his heart throughout the week.

I love, love, LOVE ... the time of worship. 

But these past few weeks have been kind of mechanical. The days have been full to the brim with sweet things and hard things.

The holidays just seem to bring out the crazy.

To be honest, there are people that I deeply love and respect, that don't feel the same about me. People that I think should love me,  who... well... they just aren't able to love me back. 

And then there was someone from my past. Someone who rejected me with words and deeds. Someone that if they walked in the room I responded involuntarily with feelings of deep-seated insecurity. This unexpected encounter brought a profound response that was hidden in dark crevices of my soul. Something that boiled up to the surface that I really can't put into words.

And I remembered scratching out in my journal  early in the  year that the Lord would show me anything in my heart that needs healed, purged, worked on, or lies I was believing. 

These situations brought out in me some ugly things. It came wrapped in a package I wasn't expecting. And when I was faced with it's reality I didn't know how to change it.

Insecurity. Deep insecurity.

Feelings of not being enough. Insecurity of how I look, how people perceive me, like being thin enough, smart enough, "w-h-a-t e-v-e-r... enough."

Plus I want everyone to be happy. And like me. All the while holding some self righteous anger and hurt. And then build walls to protect myself. Walls that become a prison.

It looked and felt similar to the root of past years of striving and being performance driven and seeking the praise of men... and women. 

Largely I had dealt with this spirit years ago. But Jesus came knocking again and asked me to give Him a deeper place. A few things I was holding in my heart-fist. Things that were holding power over my soul. 

I began by giving over the pain to Him. And then forgave whatever offense I was carrying and asked for my own forgiveness in it. In fact I thanked God for these hard places and circumstances and tears. Because ultimately these things had brought me closer to Him. 

Forgiveness is the greatest gift that we can give this Christmas. 

It is a silent gift extended. Packaged in grace that was first extend to me so undeserving.

It turned out that the gift of forgiveness I offered up was a gift to me. It has freed me from a grip I wasn't even  aware of. 

This week I am deeply reminded of the tender unconditional love the Father has for me. And how He fully understands me and wants me to see myself as He sees me. A woman securely wrapped in His righteousness and how He loves me so deeply that He used this to reveal more of Himself to me. 

I hope you don't even know what I'm talking about.

But if you do know I would love to pray for you.

Opening my clinched fist has turned to be raised hands in worship.

Everyday a sweet opportunity to live worship.

This Christmas season we have the opportunity to focus on the True Gift.

And He came to be the free gift offered. The payment for our sins.

Today I'll be worshiping with the sweetness that comes from a heart that has been set free, because I'm not harboring unforgiveness. 

Today. Even though I can't sing well. I bring a song and and even laughter to worship the King of Kings.

Today. I pray this is true for you also friend.

Love Deeply,

Rhonda ♥

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